Being single in the time of quarantine
I already suck at being single. But add a global pandemic into the mix?? This felt doomed from the start…
So, let’s go back to the beginning. I’ve been in relationships or dating since I was 14. I’m 34. That’s 20 years of never really being single. Why do I hate being single so much? Simple… it’s lonely. It’s more fun to do things with someone than alone. The feeling of falling in love and being wanted is literally the best feeling in the world. Also, because taking care of someone that I love brings me immense joy - feeling needed is part of my identity. And sex. I have one of the highest sex drives of anyone I know, and sex is just so much more fulfilling and gratifying in a relationship than it can ever be with strangers.
Skipping forward to now. I’m divorced. I’ve had 2 relationships since my divorce, both of which ended dramatically (one with an arrest and the other with cheating). Both exes have reached out to me wanting to get back together, though only one during the quarantine (the cheating one). I entertained the idea of having my (cheating) ex move in temporarily during the quarantine (his idea) (if you’re confused, go read my post about how the cheating part didn’t actually hurt), but am proud to say that I declined the offer. Would it be easier? Yes. I could spend my days cuddling and kissing and making pizza together (we were really good at cooking together) and dancing to slow songs and hiking and lots and lots of (really good) sex. Tempting, right? But the reality is that I can’t trust him. I don’t trust him. Not even enough to tell me what’s going on. Because I know he can strongly dissociate. That wouldn’t be such an issue I guess if it weren’t for Coronavirus and STDs. And anyway… inviting him here would be the easy way out. It would be giving in. It would be a temporary joy. It would be gluttonous. It wouldn’t teach me anything. I wouldn’t grow. And I want to grow. Why? Because…
In the past, I’ve romanticized everything. Big, dramatic actions are what my heart dreams of. One time, a guy ran after a bus I was on for 5 blocks until he finally caught me, just to apologize and kiss me in front of an audience of commuters. One time, a guy drove 3 hours to show up at my door uninvited with a huge bouquet of flowers after a fight, not knowing whether I’d let him in. One time, a guy cut his Thailand trip short just so he could take me on a first date in the rain in a family’s backyard in rural Phuket (he also got a haircut and wore a nice shirt in 90 degree humid tropics). I want to be chased. I want to be needed. I want it to be raw and desperate and wild. It’s so romantic, right? But is it? Is it healthy? Is the same trait in men that makes them do grand romantic gestures, also what makes them emotionally immature and unstable? But I also love doing grand romantic gestures. What does that say about me?
I also tend to idealize men. I focus on how we met, how romantic it is, and ignore red flags. I fall in love with falling in love. I fall in love with the potential of what someone can be. I fall in love with an idillic future. I fall in love with someone needing me. I fall in love with words and feelings and listening to music together and having new experiences, and everything being meaningful. I fall in love with the spark, the electricity in a touch, the kiss, the first time our lips meet and our tongues enter each other’s mouths. I fall in love with someone’s stories, someone’s experiences, with their childhood and what they’ve had to overcome to become who they are. I fall in love with holding hands as we walk down the street and staying up late because we want to keep staring at each other and the excitement of showing off someone new in my Instagram stories. I fall in love with exploring each other’s bodies for the first time, and the second time, and the third time… with sex and sensuality and finding out we like the same things and finding out we like different things, and pleasure, and knowing it’s only being shared between the two of us. I fall in love with the feeling of someone owning my body my soul my heart all of me. I fall in love with his awe for my beauty, discovering touching kissing every inch. I fall in love with being desperately loyal. I fall in love with wanting to be monogamous with a man, because I’m so excited about him. I fall in love with the constant texts and FaceTimes and no amount of being together being enough for either of us. I fall in love with his hands and how they look when they glide over my hips. I fall in love with long drives and deep conversations. I fall in love with sitting on swings on the beach at night holding each other and looking up at the stars and naively hoping that this is my human. I fall in love. Hard.
And it’s not that I fall in love with anyone, with everyone. I’m actually quite picky. But the spark finds me quickly when I’m single... probably because my heart is looking for it. And it’s not that this love is fake. It’s real. It’s so… real. And it’s not that I fall in love with a concept. I see the human in front of me. But my love is quick. Deep. All-encompassing.
And did I mention that I’m REALLY good at ignoring red flags?
I wasted the last year and half on love. I put all of my time and energy into loving these two men. Who I met offline, I might add, in magical meaningful fairytale ways, when I wasn’t really looking for anyone. By now you can probably guess that I held on to the magical ways we met as a sign that I should keep trying, because why else would the universe have brought us together. But what I’m learning, slowly… painfully, is that magic doesn’t always last, not all soulmates are meant to be in your life forever, and timing is, in fact, everything.
Another thing you should know about me is that I fall in love with men who aren’t available. Why? Fuck if I know. Maybe you can tell me? All of the men I’ve tried to date for the last year and a half since my divorce, have all literally said: “Julia, please don’t expect anything to happen, I’M NOT READY FOR A RELATIONSHIP.” Am I choosing emotionally unavailable men because I’m emotionally unavailable? Because I like the chase, the struggle? Because love to me means drama and sacrifice and always feeling on the edge? Prior to my divorce (and including my ex-husband) my man trait of choice was anger issues. I kept choosing men with anger issues. I think I’ve finally learned that lesson? I can now appreciate a kind, patient man, and still find him masculine and powerful. I finally feel that there is more power in patience than in reactivity. So I guess the next hurdle is: how to fall in love with available men? How to fall in love with a man who isn’t in love with his ex? How to fall in love with a man who doesn’t live thousands of miles away? How to fall in love with a man who isn’t just out of a relationship and wanting to be single? How to fall in love with a man whose heart isn’t closed off? How to fall in love with a man who has done the internal work to know what he wants?
Since my divorce, I’ve been the catalyst. I’ve been… “the one that got away.” I’ve burst in, suddenly, no holds barred, offering my whole heart, so much so that they don’t appreciate me. It ends. Dramatically. They think. They change. But not enough. They want me back. It doesn’t work. They grow from the experience. They move on, eventually. I’m the catalyst. I’m not the woman they end up with at the end of the movie. I’m not viewed as a viable partner. I’m not seen for all I have to offer, how much love I have to give, how much I’m willing to support and navigate and grow together. No. I’m the catalyst to change. To get better. I’m the one who gets told that I deserve “nothing but happiness…” “… nothing but love…” “a partner who is as emotionally developed” as I am, but that they’re not capable of giving me all of that. Yes, I know a lot about myself, about relationships, about love. I’m not perfect, by any means. But where are the men who have already done the work?
So. Here we are. 2.5 failed relationships later (I haven’t told you about the guy who left me for his toxic ex only to have that fall apart and come crawling back). Part of me says, chill. Focus on yourself. Stop giving your time and energy to men who don’t deserve it. Stop loving so freely. Stop jumping into feelings. Stop… just stop.
But another part of me… what is life without love? There’s no other meaning to life other than relationships in all their forms (platonic, romantic, family, etc.). What’s the point of an experience if you aren’t sharing it? If you aren’t growing with someone? If you aren’t investing in someone? What does my heart do with all this feeling? Why is it so wrong to love? Why is it so wrong to get excited? To give in to desires? To throw caution to the wind? To jump into something new? Why is it so wrong to want to be in love? Yes, loving so freely means you get hurt… a lot, because you’re constantly putting yourself out there. But pain is just another feeling, and isn’t it worth the pain to feel alive and wild and deeply connected?
I know many people who have been single for years. FOR YEARS. That’s YEARS without sharing themselves, their lives, their hearts, their bodies. YEEEAAAARRRRSSSS. I can’t even comprehend that. How do you function?
But! Some good news. The last few weeks I’ve been tormenting myself because I was missing my ex after he started texting me again saying he wanted another chance. But talking to him made me anxious, and I know he’s toxic, so I shut that down. Then I was missing a new person who I started to grow feelings for. I missed specifically how he felt, how he kissed, how he laughed and his smile… But then… he abruptly stopped wanting me. So I… stopped. I just, stopped. I stopped missing anything specific. About anyone. I just started focusing on my needs and my desires and how to pivot my freelancing career during this weird time and what my friends were up to and who I could FaceTime tonight and what workout can I do to have more defined abs and what do I still need from the grocery store and where am I going to get toilet paper when I run out and ohmygosh Ethel my cat is so loving and sweet and wow this romcom is actually quite funny and skating is a great pastime and TikTok dances are real cardio and damn there are so many things I want to write about and… I’m fine. I’m not desperately needing someone to hold me. Or fuck me. Or text me back. I’m just… ok. And a lot less needy. And a lot less angry. And a lot less sad. And a lot more motivated (hooray!).
And maybe that’s the trick then? Of you single people? To just focus on yourself? I never really knew what that meant exactly… to just focus on yourself. But myself still wants love and sex and attention? But I get it now. If you don’t indulge in old memories, if you don’t miss someone or something (a feeling or experience) specific, then it’s just… ok. You just feel ok. Because it’s hard to miss a general feeling of being in love. Because there is no general feeling. It’s specific to the person, to the experience.
Cool. I’ve cracked the code.
Perhaps this Coronavirus is here to help all of us, our whole planet actually and every soul on it, to cleanse. We’ve all gotten so twisted up and deep in bad patterns bad decisions bad outcomes. It’s all become so… negative. In terms of love, you can’t (YOU REALLY SHOULD NOT) meet someone new in person right now. For me that means I can’t meet someone new to fall in love with, to get excited about. A forced quarantine for my heart, a respite from all the back and forth and up and down. (Side note - I did go on a “virtual date” via FaceTime, but the 45-year-old dad of two turned out to be a childish misogynistic jerk, so… that’s canceled.)
Maybe jumping into love isn’t a bad thing, but maybe you have to do it from a place of self-worth, from a place of stability, not a desperate wanting needy place, but an acknowledgement that things are good alone but this person might make things even better. Maybe it’s not the falling in love quickly that’s the problem, but the falling in love quickly with people who aren’t ready for it, who don’t know what they want, who haven’t done the work. And your intuition will always show you the red flags… but your job is to listen to it.
One last comment, and I’ll let you go. I built an altar. After my last two failed relationships, my friends said to make a list, to build an altar, to buy a candle and light it and meditate (or pray, if you prefer). So I wrote a list. Oh! Did I write a list. I wrote a 4-page list of EVERYTHING I want in a partner. I wrote a 4-page list describing my perfect man. And I hung it up. And I bought a candle. And crystals! But you know what the funny thing is? I’ve never lit a flame, or meditated on it. Why? Because actually having this power of manifestation right in front of me, staring me in the face, made me realized that I’m not ready. I’m not ready for this man to show up at my doorstep. Because I might fuck it up. And I don’t want to fuck it up. Because there’s still work to be done for ME to be the perfect partner (though might I say I’m pretty darn close ;). Because I’m still hurting inside. And I want my heart to be whole for this man. Because he deserves it too.
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Tell me your viewpoint on love! What’s been your experience overall? During this quarantine? Do you agree? Disagree? Why? And how?
Love always,